Umaasa

Lahat ng sasabihin ko dito ay lahat ng inaasahan ko. Sana naman, ang aking hinihiling ay matupad. Sana ay hindi ako pinaasa. (Dw there's an english translation at the end)

I know I said that in my next post, I would write about my obsessions, but I guess not. Anyways, hope this next blog intrigues some of y’all out there. Tis a small reflection that I’m making this summer.

I’ll be writing it in my mother tongue, Filipino. I’ll write an English translation at the bottom for everyone else to read. There are some changes, so it’ll be a little fun game for you guys to try and spot the differences, and feel free to translate them :D

Please listen to the songs while reading, even if you don’t understand it. I hope it can show you how this blog was meant to feel.

“Umaasa”

Isang salita na tumatakbo sa aking isipan nitong mga nakaraang buwan. Kung kilala mo ko, alam mo na mukhang ambisyoso ako at madalas kong tinitingnan ang mas maliwanag na bahagi ng mga bagay. Ngunit kung kilala mo talaga ako, makikita mo na ako ay talagang may posibilidad na subukan at manatiling saligan. Marahil ay hindi ko itataas ang aking mga inaasahan at biguin ang aking sarili sa huli. Ang partikular na salitang ito ay nagpapaisip sa akin kamakailan. Ano ba ang inaasahan ko? Darating ba ito? O magiging katulad lang ito ng maraming bagay nitong nakalipas na 2 taon?

Kinausap ko ang aking mga kaibigan tungkol sa pag-asa sa anumang bagay sa oras na ito para sa semestre ng taglagas o anumang bagay sa hinaharap. Hangga't gusto kong patuloy na magsikap at maging positibo sa marami sa mga bagay na ito. Iba ang ipinakita ng nakaraan. Kaya kung bakit ako naglalagay ng aking bantay. Habang papalapit ako, parang magwawala ang mga bagay-bagay. Don't get me wrong, though, alam kong medyo madrama ako. Pero natatakot talaga ako. Lalo na dahil ito na ang magiging ikatlong taon ko, kung saan gusto kong lumipat pa sa landas ng aking karera at sa pangkalahatan ay mas seryosohin ang mga bagay-bagay. Kahit na umalis sa music club pagkatapos ng taong ito upang ganap na ilagay ang aking buong lakas sa paggawa ng isang bagay para sa aking sarili. So in this sense, di na ko umaasa masyado.

Kumpleto na ang 180, malaking bahagi sa akin ang umaasa pa rin. Katulad ng aking huling post, mayroong isang tiyak na duality. Ang kabilang panig ay nagsasabi na ang mga bagay ay mukhang maganda. Marahil ang lahat ng masama mula sa nakalipas na ilang taon ay talagang humahantong sa isang bagay na mahusay. Ang lahat ng pakikibaka, pananakit, at pagtanggi ay bahagi lahat ng lumalagong proseso at pawang mga hakbang sa isang bagay na hinahanap ko sa buong panahon. Siguro masyado lang akong nakatitig para makita ko. Sana ay tama ako, bagaman. Marami akong sinasabihan na huwag masyadong umasa sa mga bagay na pinagtatrabahuhan ko. Ibig kong sabihin, malinaw naman, hindi ko inaasahan ang sikat ng araw at bahaghari. Gaya ng sinabi ko kanina, sinusubukan kong manatiling saligan. Ngl, kung mayroon man, nananatili akong grounded sa halos lahat ng oras. Sinisikap kong sabihin sa aking sarili na magiging maayos ang mga bagay-bagay at manatili lamang sa tamang landas at tanggapin ang mga bagay kapag hindi ito napunta sa paraang inaasahan ko. Gagawin ko pa rin ang aking makakaya upang ituloy ang mga pinaniniwalaan kong sulit. Lalo na kung alam kong WORTH it talaga siya. Ngayon ko lang din nalaman na ang mga OPM ay sobrang yearning coded HAHAHA. Bakit parang sakit ang mga sinasabi sa kanta. Mas masakit compared sa mga ingles na kanta. Pota sana talaga di mo lang ako pinaasa.

Hindi mo ba ako lilisanin?
Hindi pa ba sapat pagpapahirap sa 'kin?

• Talagang gusto ko ang mga lyrics na ito dahil sinasabi nito sa akin na tulad ng "hindi pa ba sapat ang paghihirap ko?"

• Nagmamakaawa sa potanginang universe na to para sa kahit isang maganda lang ang mangyari at karaniwang nagtatanong, "Karapat-dapat ba akong maging masaya sa isang tao at sa buhay?"
  

Sa buod, kung alam ninyong lahat kung ano ang "Hook". Ang buhay sa kasalukuyan ay parang isang higanteng kawit ngayon. Hindi dahil masama ang mga bagay, ngunit dahil pakiramdam ko ay maayos ang mga bagay. Umaasa ako na ang buhay ay isang kawit sa ngayon, hindi ito ang kaso. Mayroong maraming mga bagay na nangyayari ngayon na tila sila ay humantong sa isang bagay. Lalo na sa career ko. Pakiramdam ko ay may malaking pagbabagong paparating, mabuti man sila o hindi. Kung hindi mo pa alam, medyo tiningnan ko ang aking uni experience bilang isang maliit na sitcom, at parang nasa season 2 finale na ako, at hindi ako sigurado kung paano ito magtatapos. Kaya ngayon kinakatakutan ko ang season 3. Kayo ngayon, sana ay matupad ang mga aking inihiling. Alam ko na hindi ako dapat umasa ng anuman, ngunit sa unang pagkakataon sa ilang sandali. Umaasa ako na may magandang lumabas sa mga ito. Sana wala sa mga ito ay isang ilusyon. Sana hindi ako mahulog sa sobrang lapit ko sa araw. Sana ay di lang ako pinaasa.

I couldn’t really find songs that fit what I’m feeling in English. I also realized how almost every song is a love song, so I kinda just had to pick ones that felt like what I’m currently facing.

The Filipino word for “hoping”. A word that has been running around my head for these past few months. If you’ve met me, you would know that I seem ambitious and that I tend to always look at the brighter side of things. But if you know me, you would see that I actually tend to try and stay grounded. Probably not to set my expectations high and disappoint myself at the end. This particular word has been making me think lately. What am I hoping for? Will it come through? Or will it just be like many things from these past 2 years?

I’ve talked to my friends about not hoping for anything this time around for the fall semester or anything in the future. As much as I want to keep striving and be positive about a lot of these things. The past has kinda shown otherwise. Hence why I’m putting my guard up. The closer I get, the more it seems like things will fall apart. Don’t get me wrong, though, I know I’m being a bit dramatic. But I truly am scared. Especially as this will be my third year, where I do want to move further into my career path and overall take things way more seriously. Even leaving the music club after this year to fully put my entire energy on making something of myself. So in this sense, di na ko umaasa masyado.

Complete 180, a huge part of me still does hope. Just like my last post, a certain duality still exists. The other side says that things are looking pretty good. Maybe all the bad from the past few years were actually leading up to something great. All the struggles, hurt, and rejections were all part of the growing process and were all stepping stones to something that I’ve been looking for this entire time. Maybe I’m just staring too close to see it. I do wish I were right, though. I get told a lot not to expect too much from the things I am working for. I mean, obviously, I do not expect sunshine and rainbows. As I’ve said before, I try to stay grounded. Ngl, if anything, I stay grounded most of the time. I try to tell myself that things will go well and to just stay on the right path and accept things when they don’t go the way I expect them to be. I will do my best still to pursue those that I believe are worth it. Especially if I know that they’re indeed WORTH it.

'Cause there is something, and there is nothing
There is nothing in between
And in my eyes, there is a tiny dancer
Watching over me, he's singing
"She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a boy"
He's singing, "She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a line without a hook"

• I know that this part basically describes like a man seeing himself as not good enough for the woman, as he calls her a “lady” and himself a “boy”

• And although not really relating to directly to the topic, it resonates with the fear that I currently feel — as if I’m not enough to even face these new things, but I am still facing the storm, knowing the little chance I have. All or nothing, y’know?

In summary, if you all know what the “Hook” is. Life currently feels like a giant hook right now. Not because things are bad, but because I feel like things are going well. I hope that life being a hook right now, it isn’t the case. There are a lot of things going on right now that feel like they’ve been leading to something. Especially in my career. I feel a big change coming soon, whether their good or not. If you don’t know yet, I’ve kinda viewed my uni experience as a small sitcom, and it feels like I’m at my season 2 finale, and I’m not sure how it’ll end. Making me fear what is to come for season 3. For the first time in a long time, I hope that these will become fruitful. I know that I shouldn’t expect anything, but for the first time in a while. I do hope something beautiful can come out of these. I hope none of it is an illusion. I hope that I don’t fall as I get too close to the sun. I pray that things will go well and that I finally get that resolution. Sana nga lang ay di lang ako pinaasa XD.

Anyways, that’s it, folks. Hope y’all enjoyed another post. I really wish I could go in detail into all these things cuz writing about them and sharing it helps. But alas, they have to be private. But if you know me feel free to ask hehe and i might tell you…maybe. Anyways if you’re dealing with the same things, I hope y’all find the courage to face them. I hope that all your work will also be fruitful as well.